Living as a love warrior

Living as a love warrior is going straight toward the pain in your life instead of hiding from it or trying to numb it all out. Because the truth is, this life is very very painful. We live in a sinful, broken, and painful world and there is no possible way to escape that. We face all these trials and tribulations in order to make us grow and shape us to be the people God intended us to be.

It’s so much easier to run away from the hurt, the pain, the darkness, the grief, and all the hardships but if you run away there is no growth in your life.

This is how I want to live and I actively try to live on a daily basis.

The purpose of being a love warrior is being able to experience the fullness of the beautiful parts of life, if we only experience half the brutal, we will only experience half the beautiful that comes with it. It also transforms our life and who we are, it develops our character, and brings us into our purpose.

I’m just getting out of a very unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship. I’m in a lot of pain right now, and I have been in a lot of pain for the past three months but I’m trying to just fully travel through it without running away, numbing it, repressing it, or avoiding it.

It was a relationship with a lot of hurt, revenge, emotion games, mind games, and conditional love. I never felt like I was good enough, and I ALWAYS felt like I had to prove myself. He placed all the blame on me for his wrongdoing. “I wouldn’t have a desire for other girls if you would’ve just paid attention to me.” “You could’ve avoided all the hurt and pain you’re in right now by just showing me more affection.” Everything was a manipulation or a game. He thought more about what he could get out of the relationship not what he could bring to it!

I had to come to a place to realize I literally have no control over the way he treats me, only he does, and him repetitively doing it over and over again convincing me he’s going to change and then he doesn’t is only abusive to myself. It’s not up to me to get revenge for all the damage and the harm he has done, because God already has punishment. The way he was treating me was out of his own insecurities, his own brokeness, and I did not have the ability to change him, only he can change himself.

I was like a little girl holding onto a teddy bear that I didn’t need anymore, Jesus repetitively tried to take that teddy bear away from me over and over again and I wasn’t listening to him. Instead of listening to God, I was listening to my fears and my attachment, which was just evidence that I was putting so much before God in my life.

This relationship kept me in so many chains and made me feel so stuck.

I was chained to the fear of him cheating on me

I was chained to the fear of the games he was going to play

I was chained to worry

I was chained to feeling like I had to prove myself

I was chained to the hurt he was repitively causing me

I was chained to being held back

I was chained to distraction

I was chained to attachment

I was chained to a need to have someone

God is currently setting me free from all of these chains and teaching me how to fully let go of everything and give him all control without holding onto anything myself

No one should ever feel like they have to prove themselves in a relationship, no one should ever have to deal with the fear or worry of cheating, no one should ever be so dragged down by a relationship that it causes them to not have the ability to love themselves or talk care of themselves. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS!!

But this is life, and again we live in such a broken world and this is reality.

I’m really trying to see the core issues on both sides for what they really are

On his side, he had a lot of maturing and growing to do, he was very uncertain about himself, his faith, and what he wanted for his life. I believe all of our actions are out of fear or love and his actions were out of fear the majority of the time. He is very insecure and does not feel good about himself and seeks validation from others, he also struggles with jealousy. He is sensitive, immature, jealous, and insecure, so whenever he felt hurt about something instead of communicating with me he would act out in other ways in order for me to feel hurt too and for him to get even. In the beginning he was more focused on God than he was me, which was when our relationship was happy and good, we loved one another, there was so much love, peace, and forgiveness. I saw the holy spirit working through him to help me in my life and I was inspired to grow in my faith and reflect the character of Jesus. That’s what he was doing, he was reflecting the character of Jesus. He was going to bible study, taking care of himself, taking care of his relationship with God, and making God his top priority in life!

I was doing the same! I was very focused on my relationship w/God, taking care of myself, becoming a better version of myself, and I put my relationship with God before my relationship with him! Since we were both living whole with God, living in the light and living in reflection of Gods glory, we were loving and caring towards eachother and we had a relationship with God together.

That all fell apart when jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and disconnection from God came in.

On my part, I struggle with insecurity, attachment, jealousy, and so much more!

I’m in the process of working through all the pain, grief, and resentment.

Out of my resentment and all my anger I wanted to prove to him what he did was wrong, I wanted to prove to him I was good enough, I wanted to change him, I wanted to control the way he treated me, I just wanted him to have empathy and care about his own actions, I wanted him to stop being so selfish and only thinking about himself, I wanted him to care, I wanted him to get out of his own viscious cycle, I wanted him to really work on himself, but for the past 3 months I’ve already been trying to keep him accountable for his behavior and HE DOESN”T CARE. His actions are the proof and the evidence that he does not care, he has not made any progress or any improvement. He has only dug a deeper and deeper hole for himself and hurt me even worst without any empathy! If he cared, he would’ve showed me, he would’ve actively been working on himself, his actions would’ve spoke louder than his words, he would’ve stuck to his words, it just would’ve been evident but it wasn’t, if anything, he went out of his way to show me he didn’t care.

Then I really started challenging myself with questions

How is this helping my life? NOTHING

What is this bringing to my life?

distraction, hurt, chaos, mind games, emotion games, attachment, being dragged down, feeling like I have to prove myself, feeling not good enough, feeling like I couldn’t do better, feeling like I’m chained to the relationship and I can’t take care of myself or my relationship with God.

Is this dragging me down or rising me up?

It is dragging me down 100% in no way is it rising me up. The only was it helped me to rise up is it showed me what I don’t want in a relationship, how I don’t deserve to be treated, and how not to treat someone.

When you really challenge yourself with these questions and this relationship is only making your life worse and dragging your life down, no matter how attached you are, you need to get out! It may be hard, trust me I know, but once you make it to the other side there is joy, freedom, and unconditional love!

Living as a love warrior goes further than traveling through all the pain in romantic relationships it goes for all areas of life. It’s about riding through all the hard and uncomfortable emotions and feelings we’ve been taught to avoid at a young age.

 

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